QuakeCon 2004

By: Spineless

*NOTE: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever written. Oh yeah, and it gets progressively worse. Read at your own discretion.

ACT I

“What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?” came the voice from somewhere to my left. Waiting with anticipation by the pressure chamber controls in one of the Doom 3 multiplayer maps, I had just seen someone wander in and activated the chamber, killing them, only to find out that they were on my team. It wasn’t too hard to guess who and why was saying those things. I bet you can too. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not too bad when it comes to team deathmatch, it’s just that I tend to shoot anything that moves. In the long run, it all comes out well, especially if team damage is off. Yes, indeed! Spineless here was, again, to be found at the annual QuakeCon (in his best dreams) fragging away (his own team-mates, as in this instance). Hoping that some coffee might bring an end to this nasty habit that often leads to negative scores, Spineless got up and went for a bit of coffee. At the nearby Starbucks, he came across another person who had dropped over from QuakeCon. He, too, had problems he wanted to cure, but in his case, it was an odd habit to walk up to things and blow them away point-blanc with a rocket launcher.

SCENE 1

Spineless-Mush: What’s up?

Person With Weird Habit: Not much.

SM: QuakeCon fun?

PWWH: Not really. I blew away my own shadow fourteen times today. We’ve lost four matches.

SM: Well, that’s not too bad.

PWW: Out of a total of five.

SM: Errr… Well, at least your team won one. That’s pretty good…

PWWH: Yeah, they won when I left for lunch. (Starts sobbing) I’m such a miserable failure.

SM: Right well…

PWWH (crying): My parents… (sniffs loudly) always told me I’m a failure… And now this…

SM: Alright dude. First of all, I hate all this crying, wishy-washy, touchy crap, so stop it. Second of all, dude: it’s a game.

PWWH (still sobbing): I know… but still…

Spineless slaps PWWH.

SM: Let me repeat myself: it’s just a game.

PWWH: Right… OK, I’m better now… Don’t mind me, I’ve always been like this. Since my childhood. Yes, I used to be beat regularly. See, my parents were historians. I was drawn and quartered for forgetting to take out the trash… A friend of mine helped me escape by putting me in a suitcase and mailing me away, and when I came out, I found myself among the cannibalistic Hupu tribes of the lower Amazon basin where natives devour the person’s eyes before ritualistically gutting him and feeding him to a hundred foot Anaconda… That is when it started, the odd lights in the sky…

Spineless moves to another table and nervously averts the gaze of curious onlookers and Starbucks employees.

People start to point. PWWH jumps up on the table and, with empty hands holding an imaginary machinegun, he starts mowing down the poor civilians.

SM: Dude, what are you doing?

PWWH (looking down): Stopping these bastards!

SM: Right, uh, I think you’ve been playing a tad too much.

People start laughing as well as pointing. Someone throws an empty coffee cup at PWWH.

PWWH (collapsing in a really fake manner): They got me… they got me… I need a medikit… And some armour…

SM: Alright dude, that’s enough. You can stop being an ass now.

PWWH (looking around at the laughing bystanders frantically): I have to go, I have to get out of here. I’m gonna go find some armour and camp somewhere, snipe…

SM (raising an eyebrow): Sure, you go do that.

PWWH leaves.

SM (to onlookers): I don’t know that guy.

Another QuakeCon person comes in.

SM: What’s up?

QCP: Not much, you?

SM: Same here. Say, where’s John Carmack and the other folks from the id Software gang?

QCP: Oh, you haven’t heard?

SM: Heard what?

QCP: Oh dear. I don’t know how to tell you this. (Puts hand on SM’s shoulder). They’re being held hostage at the id offices. (looks up at SM in sudden realisation.) It’s you! The prophecy! You must go and rescue them!

SM (having unpleasant memories regarding prophecies from last year’s QuakeCon): What? Why?

QCP: Well, you see--Wait, I’m not going to tell you.

SM: Why?

QCP: Don’t you see? This is perfect! This story’s gonna be more interesting that way. If the plot unravels as you go along. Yes, I shouldn’t tell you what’s happening!

SM:…

QCP: It’s your mission to save them!

SM: Right…

QCP: Go! Good luck!

Spineless leaves.

Scene 2

Spineless, walking along the sidewalks, suddenly stops a couple and pulls the woman aside.

Woman: Ow! What are you doing?

SM: Well, this writing is turning into an action movie.

WM: What?

SM: Action writing, whatever. And you can’t have an action without a chick. You’re the chick.

WM: What are you talking about?

SM: You know, action movie chick.

WM: I find that offensive…

SM: Would you prefer babe?

WM: No, that’s rude a---

SM: Then let’s go. Now, all we need is some weapons and some good one-liners…

MAN: Hey, what are you doing? Let go of her.

Spineless punches out the man.

WM: Look at what you did to him! Are you crazy! This is horrible.

SM: You’re right, it is horrible. He went down way too fast. It could’ve made a cool first fight scene. Oh well.

WM: What?

SM: Come on, let’s go.

WM: Go where?

SM: Shopping.

Scene 3

Cut to scene from inside of gun shop. Suddenly, wall burst open. Spineless is driving a bulldozer. He jumps down and starts collecting weapons.

WM: Shopping, eh?

SM: Yeah.

WM: You realise you ripped that one-liner and this entire scene from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, right?

SM: …

WM: You’re so unoriginal…

SM: Hey, get off my back already! I’m doing my best here! If you don’t stop, I’ll throw you out and find another action-movie chick that won’t whine as much.

Police walk in and raise weapons.

Police chief: Put those guns down and raise your hands in the air!

SM (turning to WM): Oooh, this is the part where I’m supposed to act tough. (To police) No thank you, I like my M-16 raised and loaded.

WM: That wasn’t very tough.

SM: Hey, would you just stop already?

POLICE: Put those weapons down. What’re you planning to do? Rob a pub, drive drunk?

SM: Actually, I’m gonna rescue id Software. You know, the whole hostage situation?

POLICE: Hostages? What?

SM: You don’t know? Shouldn’t you be there, negotiating with the people who are holding the place hostage?

POLICE: Err… We were kind of busy.

SM: What?

POLICE: We had a D.W.I. checkpoint set up. You know, drinking and driving is a federal…

SM: And so you’re not negotiating with the terrorists? OK, how about you go now?

POLICE: Well… actually… (looks down at watch) It’s time for our break…

SM: What?

POLICE: You know, our break.

SM: Oh come on, you don’t actually live up to the stereotype that Police people are obsessed with donuts… Do you?

POLICE (silent):…

SM: My god, can’t you put those damned donuts down for one second and institute some justice for once?

POLICE: Maybe tomorrow…

Police exit.

SM: Wow, that was awkward.

WM: Are you ready, can we leave now.

SM (pauses): Wait.

WM: What?

SM: There’s something still missing.

WM: What are you talking about?

SM: Let’s see, I just gunned down a horde of dirty cops…

WM: What? You didn’t shoot anybody, and those cops weren’t dirty.

SM: Damn it, woman! You’re spoiling the moment! This is an action story, isn’t it?

WM: I guess…

SM: Then I just brought an end to a massive drug-trafficing cop unit.

WM: Whatever…

SM: But there’s something still missing…

WM: Now what?

SM: Comic relief.

WM: Comic relief?

SM: Yeah, that’s what’s missing. You always have someone in action movies that’s the comic relief. They aren’t really action-type. They are usually a bit nerdy, geeks, you know, that kind of just tag along and say funny things after massive fight scenes.

Wester wanders in the gunstore.

WESTER: Hi guys!

SM (to WM): Wow, is that lucky, or what?

WR: What’s up?

SM: Not much. Say, how’d you like to come along and save id Software?

WR: Sure.

SM: Right, so you’re the comic relief. I just gunned down a bunch of drug-smuggling cops. Say something funny.

WR: What? Where?

SM: Don’t you see the steaming carnage?

WR: No…

SM: Oh, for Christ’s sake, just say something funny!

WR: Um, OK, how’s this? “That had to hurt!”

SM: “That had to hurt!” ? That’s it? That’s your funny comic relief?

WR: Yeah.

SM: That has got to be the most used, trite, common comic relief phrase in movie history.

WR: So you don’t like it?

SM: No.

WR: I’m sorry.

SM: Don’t be. Just say funny stuff, damn it!

WR: Right, OK.

SM: We’re gonna have to work on your sense of humour.

WM: Can we go already?

SM: No.

WM: What? What now?

SM: There’s something still missing.

WM: Oh, Jesus Christ, what now…

SM: Music.

WR: What?

WM: Music?

SM: That’s right. As I walk away from the wreckage, we need some kick-ass, in-your-face, balls-to-the-wall metal riff blasting away.

WM: Right.

SM: Anyone got any ideas?

WR: How about some Nickelback?

SM:… Are you serious?

WR: No? Then how about some D12?

SM: Dude, I said metal, not crap. What the hell is wrong with you?

WR: Well, you see--

SM: From now on, you don’t speak unless I point to you.

WR: But…

SM: A! I didn’t point. Now, what shall it be…

WR: How about…

SM: A!

WR:…

SM: I’m thinking ‘Wicked’ by Symphony X.

Symphony X enter the store.

WM: What? How did you… ? You can’t do that!

SM: Hey, I’m writing this, and I can make anything happen. Now, ‘Wicked’, let’s go.

Symphony X starts playing ‘Wicked.’

Spineless and other walk away in bad-ass manner.

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